I’m Sorry. I Didn’t Like Civil War.

This weekend was the much anticipated opening of Marvel’s latest blockbuster: Captain America: Civil War. It’s from a studio I have learned to trust. It had a superior trailer to and got way better reviews than Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I was still disappointed.

I went into the movie nervous but hoping to enjoy myself. I enjoy Marvel and love the Captain America franchise. Winter Soldier might be my favorite superhero movie. But I like it when my superheroes are people I can look up to and I don’t like it when they fight.

I’ll start with some positives: if a mindless action movie is what you’re looking for, this is a good one. There’s some great set pieces from chase scenes to fights to explosions. It was fun to see some of my favorite characters out doing their thing. Black Widow kicks ass. Hawkeye acts more like the Matt Fraction Hawkeye than ever before and that’s basically all I want ever. Scarlet Witch remains lovely and her interactions with Vision hinted at interesting things to come. I was here for Black Panther and Chadwick Boseman as T’Challa was far and away the best part of the movie. But really I went to see the end of the Steve and Buck arc that Winter Soldier started. And that’s where the trouble begins.

I have a lot of feelings about Captain America. I love him for all his square jawed, scrappy, idealistic heroism. I love the idea that with the right amount of heart and super serum any scrappy little kid could be a hero. I love that he never gives up and never backs down when he sees injustice. Somehow this movie managed to pervert all of the things I love about Steve Rogers.

The Steve Rogers I love is on the side of law and order. I’ll maintain that Winter Solider is the fascinating film it is because Captain American finds himself operating outside the law, and that’s a sign that something is WRONG. Not just a little wrong, but cataclysmically wrong.  And it turns out everyone’s Nazis, so yeah. That’s a problem. Therefore, in this movie when Captain America again finds himself opposing law and order, everything seems wrong. Because this time there is no decades-old conspiracy. The law and order he’s opposing is the United Nations. And it’s his own friends and teammates.

Following unacceptable collateral damage on several missions, the Avengers are asked to submit to UN governance which will provide oversite to keep the world safe. Sure, there’s some serious flaws in that plan, but on its face that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. It might be good for the people with ultimate power to answer to the people they protect. And the idea is backed by Iron Man. Anything that’s important enough to make chaotic-good spoiled playboy Tony Stark read legal documents and sit in on governance meetings clearly deserves attention.

Except Steve dismisses it out of hand. Which sounds nothing like the Steve Rogers I want to believe in.  Now let’s talk about the ‘reason’ Steve throws it all away: Bucky. Again, I have a lot of feelings here. The concept of The Winter Soldier – a good man being forced to become a mindless weapon that goes counter to everything he believes in–hurts so good. It combines all kinds of interesting moral questions into one painful emotional package. It’s excellent storytelling. But it falls apart in this movie.

In the movie we see Bucky as Winter Soldier destroying stuff. We also see Bucky outside of his brainwashing. But he’s not an emotional wreak over the things he’s been forced to do. He’s still kind of killing random people and acting like a dick. He’s been framed for some terrorist acts, but he doesn’t help his case much. And Cap comes running in, against international law, to try and save Bucky from the people who want to bring him to justice for the things he didn’t do. And then they don’t talk their way out. They fight their way out with lethal force. It’s hard to root for someone who kills people trying to enforce the law.

Basically, my review boils down to there not being enough plot here to make me believe that my heroes would act so unheroic. Sure, there’s some powerful emotional forces at play here. Steve’s loyalty to his lifelong friend and Tony’s love for his family. But neither of them get leveraged quite enough for me to enjoy or even justify seeing two heroes I like smashing the shit out of each other. If I wanted to see powerful people not listen to each other, I could just watch politics dang it!

There were some fun moments. Watching Bucky and Falcon interact was delightful. Even despite my deep weariness of Spiderman reboots, the new Peter Parker is reasonably charming. But it’s so frustrating to see characters I care about never bother to stop and think for one damn second. The only character who does think also gets the only true heroic moment of the movie.  (Spoilers)

After committing himself to hunting down Bucky for his father’s murder, T’Challa learns that Bucky was framed. While Cap and Iron Man beat the shit out of each other, the Black Panther corners the real killer and brings him to justice. And I don’t mean he murders him. I mean brings him to actual justice by capturing him and turning him over to the proper authorities. That’s what I expect from my heroes. I expect them to rise above petty jealousy and their own grudges. I expect them to be able to put their emotions aside and act in the interest of the greater good. What a pity that with over a dozen superheroes in this movie, only one of them manages an act of heroism worth remembering.

Friday Fun: Agent Carter Season 2

Sorry I’m late on this week’s post. I’ve been trying to post Tuesday morning but I’m currently in moving hell. I’ll be back on Tuesday and try to stay that way. But since it’s Friday, let’s talk about something fun like the recently finished Season 2 of Marvel’s Agent Carter.

I was really excited about the first season of Agent Carter and I thought the show delivered on its promise. Sure it had a lot of heavy handed girl power, but I don’t usually have a problem with that. And sure it relied heavily on Howard Stark to move the plot along, but I can live with that. It still had Peggy Carter kicking butt and taking names, her and Jarvis being adorably British, some awesome female friendships, and some truly great fashion. I was pumped for season two.

Season Two took a lot of my favorite things about the show and ran with them. It also eased up on many of the things that I found annoying or problematic in the show. There’s still Peggy being awesome. And the show still looks amazing. But the story settled down and explored a meatier plot instead of focusing quite so much on Peggy battling blatant 50’s-style sexism.

Peggy arrives in Los Angeles (the change of venue is another strength. LA gives Peggy and Jarvis a backdrop that makes them seem extra British) on vacation but soon gets sucked into an investigation into a strange extraterrestrial substance called Zero Matter. The trail leads her through Roxon energy, into an old white men’s conspiracy club, and matches her up against scientist turned starlet Whitney Frost. Along the way Peggy reunites with Sousa and Jarvis, but also adds new friends. There’s the brilliant scientist Dr. Wilkes and we finally meet Mrs. Jarvis.

Howard Stark also takes on a more appropriate role in this season. He’s still around, but he’s less of a focus. In Season One he was essential to moving the plot along, but this time around he really just drops in to talk technobabble, make a few jokes about what a dog he is, and occasionally provide a deus ex machina. Literally at one point he just faxes in the solution to a major plot problem. Deus FAX machina, anyone?

There’s lots of fun things to enjoy this season. James D’Arcy as Mr. Jarvis continues to be an absolute treat, and he gets more time for both laughs and pathos this season. His chemistry with Mrs. Jarvis is lovely despite her completely inscrutable accent. (Seriously. Is she German? British? American? Just learning to speak?) On the more sinister side, Chad Michael Murray continues to be just the right kind of insufferable, and Kurtwood Smith makes a great guest star appearance as the slimy maneuvering Vernon Masters. But the true villain of the season is Wynn Everett as Whitney Frost. Whitney Frost is a brilliant scientist who learned to use her looks to get ahead, but decides to use zero matter to seize the power she’s always craved. As a smart, strong, ruthless villain, she’s the perfect foil for Peggy.

Of course the show still has some problematic spots. This season features a truly forced-feeling love triangle between Peggy, Sousa, and the charming Dr. Wilkes. Near the end of the season there’s literally a musical number about how the love triangle might resolve. Now I love a good musical number, but that was one of the most inappropriately timed things I’ve ever seen. It’s frustrating to feel like the show runners still don’t quite trust Peggy on her own to carry the show. After all she’s a female secret agent in the late 1940s whose literal point is that she shouldn’t have to prove herself. But it’s ok Peggy – you, and we, know your value.

10 Things That Bugged Me About Ant-Man

Disclaimer: I wanted to hate Ant-Man. I have hated just about every aspect of Ant-Man from the moment it was announced. Something about it has always rubbed me the wrong way. If I had to guess, I’d say the breakdown of my anger is 75% “They think they can sell a f%#&^$ing ANT MAN movie, but they don’t think they can sell a female superhero” rage, 10% dislike of insects, 10% I just cannot care about someone whose power is being small, and 5% irrational urge to punch Paul Rudd’s face.

But I tried to give the movie a shot. I really did. I went with friends. I was there to have fun. My expectations we’re smaller than any of Ant Man’s sidekicks. But something about this movie still bugged me. (And yes, I intend this pun every time I make it)

Here we go. Also, this list is spoiler-ific because I seriously don’t care and the movie came out like a month ago. If you want to like/be surprised by this movie, don’t read this list.

1. Oh gods the sexism. I mean, I worked really hard to quiet my angry feminist rage before walking into that movie theatre. But then they did everything possible to stoke it back up again. I mean COME ON. The entire plot of that movie hinged on me buying that a totally capable, smart, strong woman who had been training her whole life for a mission should not do said mission because it would worry her Daddy. Gag me
2. The racism. Y’all. It’s bad enough that Marvel is basically a convention of white dudes named Chris, but did we really have to add insult to injury by making every person of color in this movie an incompetent criminal?
3. I still liked the Michael Pena gag. That running joke where Michael Pena’s character Luis describes a chain of conversations and it’s funny because you know that all those people of different ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds don’t talk like Luis the Latino criminal? I hate that it was funny because it also felt like rubbing in that we only brought a minority into the picture as a joke. I’m 100% chalking this working up to Michael Pena being a super-charming actor. I’m really excited to see him in The Martian.
4. The cameo crutch. Ok Ok. I can hear you now. There was technically one actor of color who wasn’t playing a criminal. But bringing in The Falcon for two minutes to make me all of a sudden care about your movie doesn’t count. It actually just points out to me that the only person in this movie I liked showed up in a two minute cameo.
5. Judy Greer deserves better. Guys, Kitty is my favorite character from Arrested Development. I would watch her go “say goodbye to these” anytime, anywhere. The fact that between Jurassic World and this mess she’s apparently now getting typecast as everyone’s worried mom is super depressing.
6. The reliance on lazy jokes. As stupid as I think Ant Man’s powers are, there is some serious potential for comedy in things suddenly getting bigger and smaller. Sure, the writers use that to their advantage occasionally, but other than Thomas the Tank Engine crushing someone’s house, it feels like there was a lot of wasted potential. Instead we went with it being funny that a woman can punch. Again.
7. The complete disregard for the laws of physics. Like, we know that no one at Marvel has ever taken a physics class. But this was on a whole other level. This was someone jumping up and down on top of a physics book while pissing on it and then setting it on fire while screaming “fuck you physics” over and over again. It was bad y’all.
8. Lame-sauce villain. Guys. I saw this movie a few weeks ago and at this point I basically can’t remember anything about the villain. He was bald. He made his own evil version of the Ant Man suit. That’s all I’ve got. Villains are fun! Villains are half the fun of super-hero movies. But this guy just felt like you rolled Lex Luthor, the Green Goblin, and your uncle you don’t like very much into one forgettable blur.
9. I’m down here and I’m still mad about the complete fuck-all that Evangeline Lilly had to do in that movie. Seriously, you expect me to be content with unveiling the Wasp suit during the first credits scene?? She deserved that suit during the whole fucking movie! She was the most competent person here! Ugh.
10. Speaking of credits scenes – I hated how much I loved the second credits scene. It didn’t make any sense. It was so out of context it wasn’t even trying to make sense. But it’s like Good Marvel, Bad Marvel. After a whole movie of getting beaten up by Bad Marvel, I’m so happy to see a glimpse of Good Marvel that I’ll tell you anything.

Basically my thoughts

So there you have it. I’m so annoyed that Marvel is using its ability to apparently sell anything for evil and not for good. I’m annoyed by shoddy storytelling and everyone falling back into easy, boring, sexist, racist tropes. It’s business as usual down here at the Marvel ranch, and I’m sick of it.

Top 10 Times The Avengers: Age of Ultron Felt Like Christmas

Seems obvious, but I’ll just say it: All the Spoilers Ahead.

I saw The Avengers: Age of Ultron on Thursday night at 10:00, and I basically spent the whole day before that feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve. I fondly remember seeing the first Avengers on opening night, spending the whole movie feeling like it was Christmas. Joss Whedon pulled off the amazing magic trick of giving me everything I wanted but didn’t even know I could ask for.

So when Ultron started I had the same sensation as a kid pulling off the wrapping paper. Like most Christmases, I got a lot of things I wanted and few things I didn’t. I’m sure I’ll do a more critical watch of the movie later, because was this a perfect movie? No. Did it feel a little scattered and rushed and unfocused? Sure. But did I leave it giddy and happy? You betcha. So brace yourselves for spoilers, don’t let the haters get you down, and bask in the Whedon afterglow with me in my countdown of 10 Moments the Avengers felt like Christmas.

10. The Star Wars trailer before it.

Ok. This is cheating, but OH MY GOD IT WAS SO GOOD ON THE BIG SCREEN.

9. I love a Robot (Not that robot)

I didn’t realize how attached I’d gotten to the disembodied voice that is JARVIS until he “died.” I mean, he’s been with us since MCU day one. He’s the kind, humorous, constant in Iron Man’s universe. And frankly, I was way more upset by his death than by the actual death of Quicksilver.

8. Hulktasha

This will be controversial, but I loved most of it. I loved seeing Natasha in love, but still putting her work first. I loved seeing the Hulk being much more in control of the rage because of her. And I squeed at being one step closer to the giant-people-carrying-little-people dream that I’d been harboring since the days of Ginger Haze’s early fan doodles. So come at me bro.

7. Science Bros

As much as I like Banner and Natasha, the Banner relationship I really care about is between him and Tony. There’s an entire blog post I will write some day about how science buddies is literally my favorite type of relationship in fiction. But suffice it to say, watching Stark and Banner bicker like an old married couple is exactly what I wanted.

6. “Multiplying Like Catholic Rabbits”

Fury’s line, Whedon’s wordplay. I’m adding it to the “things I say now” list.

5. The Helicarrier’s Triumphant Return

Sure, part of my brain was screaming “Who the fuck gave Fury back the flying death machines?” But 99% of my brain was screaming REDEMPTION!!!!

4. All things Scarlet Witch

Do I have a new favorite Avenger? Quite possibly. Sure her power are indicative of the scary world of unclear narrative rules and magic-heavy powers we’re entering. But goddam is she cool. Everyone else is suiting up and prepping for the big battle and she’s just standing there all nonchalant like “I can kill you with my brain,” and her brother’s like “at least bring a jacket.” Adorbs. She’s River Tam but less bonkers, and that’s just shiny with me.

3. The Hammer’s Grading Rubric

So everyone saw the clip of the party scene that got released months ago. And it included the moment where most of the Avengers try lifting Thor’s hammer. And I enjoyed it, but I was a little worried. I mean, macho boys being macho boys feels like a one-note joke to me. But the moment was charming and had great payoff. I loved seeing Cap budge the hammer, that worthy son of a –LANGUAGE! But mostly I loved that it set us up for the magic moment where The Vision grabbed that hammer like it wasn’t even a thing. PAYOFF.

2. Hawkeye Lays It Out

Hawkeye got a lot more to do in this movie, but by far one of my favorite moments of the whole thing was during the chaotic final battle where Hawkeye gives Wanda Maximoff the most realistic pep talk ever. The gist is basically “We’re on a flying city fighting killer robots and I have a bow and arrow. None of this makes sense. But do it anyway.” It’s exactly why these movies are completely ridiculous and completely endearing, all in a deadpan nutshell.

1. Whedon Theatre Jokes

Joss Whedon can have my heart forever if he just keeps making jokes that make my theatre nerd heart sing. Last time his “Shakespeare in the Park” crack had me giggling for days. This time it was “This day has been long. Like, Eugene O’Neil long.” So here’s my heart Joss. I look forward to the next time you break it.

The Great Marvel Re-Watch

Over the last month and a half, I have been a part of a dedicated and delightful group of individuals who watched every Marvel Cinematic Universe film leading up to this weekend’s Age of Ultron premier. It’s been quite the journey. In some ways, we’ve come a long way. And in some ways it’s delightful to look back and see all the ways this series won my love. So here’s some thoughts.

We’ve Come a Long Way

Iron Man came out in 2008. 2008. That’s 7 years ago. 7 years is a long time to grow, and we all have, Marvel included. The first Iron Man movie is fun, but it also had moments that made me marvel (pun intended) at how much things have grown. The plot is simple and archetypal, and my gods is Pepper Potts ditsy. These days Pepper is the mighty CEO of Stark Industries who keeps Tony in line as a hobby, but in 2008 she was embarrassed because she was dancing with her boss and forgot her deodorant. I’m sorry, but a world where Pepper Potts can’t remember her deodorant is a world I don’t want to live in.  It’s fascinating to see how the writers and minds at Marvel have had more faith in Pepper and their female characters more generally. We have a long way to go, but they’ve certainly become more dynamic and been given a lot more to do. And then there’s the misstep of The Incredible Hulk. Marvel clearly learned some things from that. Most notably that it helps to give your characters, ya’ know, character. But I don’t believe we could have a more complicated movie like Winter Soldier if Marvel hadn’t first learned that audiences want something and someone to care about.

Perfection Isn’t Where You Think

It’s easy to look back on Iron Man and believe that because it was first, it probably wasn’t that great. But, I have to say: Iron Man is a strong film. Like a really strong film. It’s fun, it’s well structured, and it’s so damn likable. The plot is easy to follow and doesn’t rely heavily on techno-babble. The setup and payoff is all there. And the last couple of minutes of the movie are still some of the most rewarding in the franchise.

When I think back on the Marvel movies, there are those I dismiss and those I think I love. It was interesting to go back and test all those memories. I found that a lot of the ones I dismissed were stronger than I remembered. And many of the ones I considered my favorites had big flaws. Let’s take the Captain America movies. They’re my favorite. I love them. But the more times I watch them, the more I realize they have plot holes you should drive a helicarrier through. After re-watching The First Avenger, we spent almost an hour coming up with literally any other way Cap could have saved New York other than putting that plane in the water. And seriously, why couldn’t they just tell one helicarrier to shoot down the other two at the end of Winter Soldier? Why did they need to dramatically triangulate all three? And whatever you do, do not try to explain the final fight scene in Guardians of the Galaxy to anyone.

But The Connections!

Probably the #1 reason the Marvel Cinematic Universe is beloved is their commitment to fan service. This is a franchise that wants to reward the dedicated. It’s fun to look for Stan Lee every time and know that every time your waiting will pay off. It’s fun to watch the characters interact across each other’s movies. There’s magic to watching Steve Rogers show up for a quick second in Thor 2. There’s great fun to be had with the fact that across the TV and movie empire, Natasha is the gold standard for spy. And it’s just perfect that they use a post credit scene to give me fodder for my head cannon belief that Tony and Banner are BFFs even between movies.

And more seriously, it’s a huge strength of the series that characters who could be throw-aways become important. Be it Agent Coulson moving from minor cameo to star of his own TV show, or Jasper Sitwell and the asshole Senator from Iron Man actually having been Hydra all along, this is a franchise that rewards loyalty. And it’s nice to feel appreciated.

Final Notes

We learned a collection of other things on the Marvel re-watch journey, from deep thoughts on types of origin stories to the fact that apparently in movie physics all you need to do to survive an explosion is hide behind a wall. Ultimately, what really sets Marvel apart from the other superhero stories is that in this world there are consequences. Experiences matter. The characters grow and change because of what they experience. Batman in The Dark Knight trilogy is pretty much always the same Batman. But the Iron Man series sees Tony go from spoiled playboy, to revered super hero, to full PTSD wreak because of the things he’s seen and done. Other examples abound, from New York’s rebuilding in Daredevil, to Erik Selvig in the mental institution in Thor 2. Hell, sometimes people who die even stay dead. Sometimes. It’s still superheroes, after all.

Prerequesites: The Incredible Hulk

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s this little movie coming up called The Avengers: Age of Ultron. From everything we’re hearing, Ultron is not only going to be an epic nerdgasm, it’ll be a huge launching pad for the next phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. So clearly the only appropriate response is to watch where the MCU has been up to this point.

With that solid logic in place, some truly awesome people and I have been re-watching the entire Marvel cannon up to this point. And recently we got to the chink in my Marvel nerd armor – The Incredible Hulk. I love the MCU, but I’d never seen the Hulk. Either Hulk movie, actually. The movie came out in my less nerdy days and frankly didn’t appeal to me. And I’m not alone. In a group of 6 awesome nerd types, only 1 of us had seen the movie before. And there’s a reason for that. The Incredible Hulk is not a very good movie for precisely all the reasons you think it won’t be. Basically, it’s a giant green rage monster smashing things for 112 minutes. That gets old.

The movie actually starts out looking promising. After the most exposition-packed opening credits I’ve ever seen, we find a post-Gamma radiation Edward Norton/Bruce Banner hiding out in a favela in Brazil learning Portuguese and trying to cure or contain himself. I can dig that. The setting is vibrant and unique. There’s a funny moment where Banner delivers one of his signature lines “You won’t like me when I’m angry” in botched Portuguese, so he actually says “You won’t like me when I’m hungry.” It’s a clever inversion of our expectations that speaks to self-awareness on the part of the filmmakers. But like Banner’s exile, it can’t last.

The bad guys get wind of Banner, show up, and after a truly excellent chase scene through the favela the big green party begins. And it’s all downhill from there. There’s smashing and bad CGI. There’s dumb moves on the part of a supposedly brilliant scientist. There’s a super predictable villain. There’s Liv Tyler.

OK, the Liv Tyler joke is cheap, because this is really not her fault. Dr. Elizabeth Ross, like everyone else in this movie, gets absolutely no character development. All I know about her after watching the entire movie is: her boyfriend was Bruce Banner, her daddy is the evil General, she’s the only one who can calm the Hulk (through the power of lurv), she’s a cellular biologist, and clearly nowhere along her entire educational path to being a doctor did she have to take a speech class. She’s so breathy it hurts.

The movie doesn’t even bother to give Betty any conflict. She had moved on to a new man (Ty Burrell) before Banner shows back up, but she doesn’t even blink before leaving poor Burrell in the dust. There’s no choice to be made between her father and her boyfriend. There’s no professional sacrifice to running off and becoming a fugitive. Nothing. And the same is true of every character. The only dramatic question in this movie is: Hulking out — will he or won’t he? Gee. Let me guess.

On the beer rating scale I invented last week, I’d give The Incredible Hulk a 3-4 beer rating. This movie is probably significantly improved by alcohol. And heckling. So see it to complete your Marvel experience. See it for a laugh. Or, you know, just don’t see it.